~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

[BassinBomber]

HaHa,..BnG good one! Had 2 read it 2x's before it hit me!

BB

[Anonymous]

Pet Rooster,

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The Ticket Agent asked, Sir, What's that on your shoulder?

The old farmer said, That's my pet rooster and his name is Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.

I'm sorry Sir, said the Ticket Agent. We can't allow animals in the theater.

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

Marge, whispered Mildred.

What? said Marge.

I think the guy next to me is a pervert.

What makes you think so? asked Marge.

He undid his pants and he has his thing out. whispered Mildred.

Well, don't worry about it, said Marge. Heck...at our age we've seen them all.

I thought so too, said Mildred, but this one's eating my popcorn.

[Rich McVey]

Thats to funny.=d>

[Misselley]

What is the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when he hits your windshield?











His Butt.

[Anonymous]

Miranda Rights?

[Anonymous]

Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to
breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. The others couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened last night?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the buttt, and kissed him good night...

Bob sat up and watched me all night."

[Drumdog]

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Eastern Washington recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious.

The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH"

"Fish....What fish?"

[Drumdog]

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde,"we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

[Bisk1tSnGraV]

Laughs .... That was awesome ... good one there Drumdog!

[Bodofish]

An Idaho rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.


"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.


"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."


"Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mother here?"


"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."


"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"


"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."


The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.


"Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."


"Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."


The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.

[Big D]

WHY I fired my secretary,

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!' And possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought..Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids. They will remember. My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday! 'It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'


And I just sat there... On the couch...Naked

[Drumdog]

LOLOL !!!

[racfish]

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?

[racfish]

LIL JOHNNY AGAIN
Little Johnny's at it again . . . A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him..'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
* * * * * * * * *

[Marc Martyn]

This thread has been sleeping for awhile, so here is a good one.....

A married couple are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge confer-ence centre that were available for us to use.

'But we didn't use them," the husband said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Las Vegas and Holly-wood.

Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said. "Well, we have them, and you could have, " the Manager replied no matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00."

'That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens. They didn't get there by being stupid!