Best joke ever!

[kavykid2k6]

its long but try to stop laughing


> New Burglar
> System
>
>
>
>
>
> We have the standard 6 ft.
> fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about
> burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
> make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
> and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
>
>
> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
> had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long
> ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. Theground
> rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the
> better the fence works.
>
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo
> Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken
> and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
> unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wireand
> reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
>
>
> It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it
> after all.
>
> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running
> lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire
> in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the
> size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down
> cow onfire on the cover.
>
>
> Time stood still.
>
> The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up
> the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and
> Icould feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of
> my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over,
> Icould feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one
> with the engine.
>
>
> It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of ****
> lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical
> impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same
> time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once,
> but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of
> a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time
> is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM
> BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
> were minutes in between but in reality it was so close
> together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy
> turning 8 grand.
>
>
> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds)
> into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around
> the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a
> farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always
> had those pieces of **** chargers made by International or
> whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
>
> This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod
> is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp
> Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking
> I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
> lawnmower runs out of gas.
>
>
> 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the
> tank!
>
> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled
> into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big
> lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and withmy
> vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die...
> Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
> lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore
> roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its
> owner's right foot.
>
>
> So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
> humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging
> God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me
> there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my
> own stupidity had created.
>
>
> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I
> woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was
> beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was
> sunburned.
>
> There were two large dead grass spots where I had been
> standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the
> wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to
> it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
> thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
>
>
> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a
> few things:
>
> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
>
> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
> butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
>
>
> 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not
> smell as bad as you might think.
>
> 4- My left eye will not open.
>
> 5- My right eye will not close.
>
> 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I
> think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or
> something, because it was better than new after that.
>
>
> 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are
> almost a foot long.
>
> 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
> thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand
> this???)..
>
> That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect
> for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I
> always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged
> before I mow.
>
>
> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over
> the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system
> will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling
> all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
> mow.

[Geoffrey Ring]

HFSROFLMAOPEWPEWfromROFLCOPTERasISACDASM!!!! XD XD XD XD XD
totally hardcore amazing awesome and hilarious. You have officially just made my day and a half plus another half and hour.
=D

[kavykid2k6]

ive read it like 20x and still almost cry every time from laughing so freakin hard

[tommytitan08]

Holy crap that was hilarious no pun intended.