~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

[R0cky23]

An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on the deck of a ship watching war exercises. The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts,

“Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!”.
Upon which the American (naturally) challenges him: “Oh yeah?”.

The Russian says, “Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck and swim around the ship!”

Yuri marches off into the freezing Atlantic without a word and does as he is told. The Russian turns around and says: “See, there’s an example of courage!”

The American has to top this, so he calls up one of his underlings and gives him the order:
“Jack, Jump off the main mast into the ocean, and swim around the ship seven times!”

Poor Jack goes off without a murmur, and he too does as he is told. The American General says: “Now top that for courage!”

So they both turn around to the British General who has been standing around watching these antics silently. They ask him: “What about your people?”.

The British General calls up one of his people and says: “Trevor, jump off the mast and swim under the keel of the ship, will you, old chap?”
Trevor stares at his general.

“Let me get this right. You want me to jump off the mast.”

“Yes.”

“And swim under the keel?”

“Yes.”

“General. you must be crazy!”

And so saying, Trevor turns around and saunters off.

Whereupon the British General turns to the other two and says, “Now there’s an example of true courage.”:cheers:

[racfish]

Very good. Soooo true.OOOOps I didnt mean that.

[R0cky23]

You are a Real Bass Fisherman if...


1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

[tommytitan08]

Why do sharks only swim in salt water?


Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

[fishing collector]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:My Favorite
Darted around the store, suspiciously, while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme ..

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

[Jennifer]

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Never take a beer to a job interview
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ’Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’

Weddings
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Two reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

[Marc Martyn]

A couple returned from a wonderful evening of celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. After pouring a couple of glasses of wine, they sat together in the living room in front of the fireplace. Smiling graciously at each other, they commented what a wonderful evening they had.
The groom of 50 years looked at his wife and asked, “You know, we have been together for all these years, but I would like to know one thing.”
“What's that, dear?” she asked.
“For 50 years, every day, you have worn that chain around your neck with that small key attached to it. What is the key for?”
His wife smiled gently and replied, “Well, we have been together all these years, I suppose that I can tell you.”
She takes him by the hand and leads him back into their bedroom. Kneeling down on the side of the bed, she pulls out a small cedar hope chest from under the bed. Taking off the necklace with the key attached, she opens the chest.
To much surprise and bewilderment, he looks at the contents and asks her, “You have money in there? That looks like a lot of money!”
“Yes, $3,471.00” she replies.
Her husband says, “I can understand you hiding money, but why do you have 3 eggs in there also?”
“Well, we have been together all these years, so I guess I can tell you” she answers.
“I have been unfaithful to you a few times while we were married and each time I was, I put an egg in the Hope chest.”
He looked at the three eggs and was obviously heartbroken and replied, “Well, we have had so many happy years together, so I forgive you.”
“But Honey, where did all that money come from?!,” he asked.
His bride of 50 years softly smiled and replied, “Every time I had a dozen eggs, I sold them.”

[Marc Martyn]

A couple returned from a wonderful evening of celebrating their 50th wedding anniversity. After pouring a couple of glasses of wine, they sat together in the living room in front of the fireplace. Smiling graciously at each other, they commented what a wonderful evening they had.
The groom of 50 years looked at his bride and asked, “You know, we have been together for all these years, but I would like to know one thing.”
“What's that, dear?” she asked.
“For 50 years, every day, you have worn that chain around your neck with that small key attached to it. What is the key for?”
His wife smiled gently and replied, “Well, we have been together all these years, I suppose that I can tell you.”
She takes him by the hand and leads him back into their bedroom. Kneeling down on the side of the bed, she pulls out a small cedar hope chest from under the bed. Taking off the necklace with the chain attached, she opens the chest.
To much surprise and bewilderment, he looks at the contents and asks her, “You have money in there? That looks like a lot of money!”
“Yes, $3,471.00” she replies.
Her husband says, “I can understand you hiding money, but why do you have 3 eggs in there also?”
“Well, we have been together all these years, so I guess I can tell you” she answers.
“I have been unfaithful to you a few times while we were married and each time I was, I put an egg in the Hope chest.”
He looked at the three eggs and was obviously heartbroken and replied, “Well, we have had so many happy years together, so I forgive you.”
“But Honey, where did all that money come from,” he asked.
His bride of 50 years softly smiled and replied, “Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them.”

[tommytitan08]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.


She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt..

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress..

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now.... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

[tommytitan08]

LIE DETECTOR ....

You better be careful!!!!!!!!!!!
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did
you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[tommytitan08]

Embarassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's

dress and began to take off her underwear.



Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -

and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,

San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift

I placed a stethoscope on an elderly

and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,

Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad

news when I told a wife that her husband had

died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her

reporting to the rest of the family that he had

died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up

appointment with his cardiologist, he informed

me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with

one of his medications.

' Which one ?'. . . I asked. 'The patch....

The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped

I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of

the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted b y Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,

Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,

I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .

' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-

Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the

hospital one morning and while checking

up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your

breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good

except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem

to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced

a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,

Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room

when a young woman with purple hair styled

into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety

of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,

entered . . . It was quickly determined that

the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was

scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she

was completely disrobed on the operating

table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had

been dyed green and above it there was a

tattoo that read .. . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon

wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,

which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.

I was quite embarrassed when performing female

pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment

I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing

and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .

' I'm sorry.. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down

her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .

' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

Dr. wouldn't submit his name...

[tommytitan08]

Top this one for a speeding ticket


Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.



Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:
~ ~ ~
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.


You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.


The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.

Semper Fi





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Looking for love this summer? Find it now on AOL Personals.

[tommytitan08]

Top this one for a speeding ticket


Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.



Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:
~ ~ ~
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.


You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.


The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.

Semper Fi





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Looking for love this summer? Find it now on AOL Personals.

[jens]

Pretty funny tommy. Are you on the clock when you are finding these jokes?

[BentRod]

Compliments of my father-in-law:

Three Canadian men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[Geoffrey Ring]

I removed all the drug jokes, cuz this is not the 90's! Not all ravers are X-cited, lots of us live on PLURR (Peace Love Unity Respect Responsibility).

You Know You're a Raver When:
*You have sleeping patterns that would kill normal human beings.
*You start coveting all of your dad's old 1977 polyester sweatsuits.
*You begin to think of blow-pops as a seperate food group.
*The odometer of your car increases in big chunks over the weekend.
*You have to fight back the urge to beat the hell out everyone who thinks raves are like the club scene in Basic Instinct.
*You are happy when there's a recession because it means more empty warehouses.
*You can live for an entire weekend out of your bookbag.
*You are no longer just a raver...but a promoter, vendor, DJ, etc...
*You know about the INFORMATION POLICE.
*You're white and have dreads.
*You can't pass an empty warehouse, church, school, big open field, barn, airplane hanger, phone booth, nuclear power plant, etc...without getting that far-off look in your eye and saying...'wow, what a great site for a...
*You not only notice that household appliances like washing machines can generate a funky beat.
-The total amount of sleep you get on the weekends is the sum of how many times you've blinked since Friday night.
-You and other kids wearing phat pants smile at each other like goofs even though you've never met before.
-You've been close friends with someone for weeks without knowing their first name.
-You can stand right in front of a 5000 watt speaker for an hour and be loving it.
-You've got flyers all over your wall (kinda like wallpaper).
-You know your a raver when sketching becomes normal.
-You've got a huge pile of dead glostix in your room, you don't want to throw them away, 'cos of sentimental value.
-When shrugging your shoulders can constitute for a conversation.
-When you just dont give a @#$% what you look like anymore and just dance, dance , dance!


Cred goes to: http://technobunny.tripod.com/jokes.html
^^)))))))

[jens]

Geoffrey, brings up some good memories! LOL- :bounce: :colors: :cyclopsan :cyclopsan

[racfish]

Heres another funny one.

n elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'


Some old men can still think fast.

[Marc Martyn]

Just got this from a friend.... too funny

Wal-Mart has everything

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog , urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[racfish]

Thats a real good one.If you dont mind thats going to wallstreet on monday.Thats too funny Marc.